Right before the zombie fascination everyone was fixated on vampires. I have to say that vampires went experienced the biggest public relations reinvention since Mike Tyson went from biting ears to being considered a sweet broken down old man. These days Vampires are depicted as misunderstood souls whom you’ll run into inside a Starbucks ordering a cinnamon latte, with a spoon of vanilla and a sprinkling of fairy dust. And that’s exactly what vampires are these days, fairies.
When I was a kid vampires were scary. Watch Salems Lot for proof. Vampires were the badasses of the monster world, now they’re a bunch of sissies who can’t get a decent meal. That actually is understandable with all of the diseases that make up human beings today, it’s not hard to imagine a vampire going hungry. AIDS and HIV, herpes, not to mention diabetes. Imagine not only catching these things but doing it from a blood transfusion, and in the form of dinner. Vampires have got it tough.
And what happens if he (or she if you want to get picky) does get diabetes from drinking someone’s blood? Do they then have to take insuline shots? And why when they’re already supposed to be dead? Another question is, can vampires gain weight? Wouldn’t that be just a kick in the ass, to be dead and still get fat. Yeah another problem in being one, getting so fat that when you turn into a bat you’reso heavy you can’t get off the ground.
Other downsides are they don’t have sex, dont drink alcohol, nor eat meals. It must be the shits to order a rare steak and not be able to eat it but just drink the blood. Sounds like of a waste of money if you ask me. That’s something else. Where do vampires get the money to go to a resturant? Do they have jobs, and if so what kind, being only able to work at night? An entire species of the undead working as night watchmen maybe, having trouble seeing that. So in closing being a vampire doesn’t sound like all it’s cracked up to be. In fact it seems pretty sucky. They can’t go out in the day, their job prospects are pretty limited, they’re always worried about catching diseases through their only source of sustenance and it seems like they have no enjoyment whatsoever. They don’t eat, they don’t drink, they don’t have sex but they live forever. Maybe it just feels like forever.
A Fifth of Brian 