I cannot believe I’m telling another bathroom tale but here we are and only twenty-four after yesterday’s rant. This one however does not involve the notorious Trenton “Shit Stain” Malloy but my wife the insidious Poops Ahoy. So, I know you are wondering what she did this time, well if you’ll shut up and listen, I’ll tell you. She grossed me out, that’s what.
This morning me, your hero was awakened to the sound of what I believed was a bear loudly growling in my wife’s bathroom. If you read yesterday’s posting, you’ll know we have separate ones and after this morning’s mishap I’m grateful for it. Anyway, hearing the sound of a growling bear frightened me into action. Looking for my wife I realized my beautiful, if still evil wife (read my previous post for details) was trapped inside the bathroom with a dangerous creature only to have her emerge seconds later sweating. Asking what happened it turned out, to my horror, that the growling I had heard from within the walls of her bathroom was her taking a “GROWLER.” But it doesn’t stop there, after informing me that she had just loudly crippled her toilet, she got a big shit eating grin (pun intended) on her face as if she had just done something to be proud of. Takes bathroom humor to a whole different level.
Oh, but it gets worse.
She then sweaty mess, from loudly birthing an enormous brown shark, demanded a kiss. Gross. Seeing my face and correctly guessing I was looking for an escape route said, “come on, it’s not like I have a turd hanging from my mouth.” Gives new meaning to talking dirty. Oh yeah, I’m one lucky guy. Needless to say, I had to kiss her because the ring on my finger dictates it.
My postings are usually longer but I’m going to wrap things up here. Two straight days of stories about the bathroom is enough. I’m hoping for something different tomorrow but when you are married to a woman like Poops Ahoy who can play a toilet bowl like a violin and allows movers to shit in mine, you just never know. By the time this marriage reaches our second anniversary I’m either going to have received a Purple Heart or be in intensive therapy.
Until next time, be good or be good at it.
A Fifth of Brian 