What kind of woman would I want for a wife?

The answer is simple, a good woman, no bitches, thank you very much. I want a good wife, I want more than one if they are especially good (minus the alimony payments). If I was settled, I’d stop all of this devil may care nonsense and trick some poor girl into marrying me. But I wouldn’t expect to be worthy of her, I would not have a girl who found me worthy. She wouldn’t do or be responsible enough. It’s all a high wire act picking the right woman, pick the wrong one and you might get stuck with a nag. That’s what’s called a starter wife and it’s also that first dreaded experience with alimony.

Want to know something weird? I mean freaky weird. Try being 6’2 and having a neighbor, and a girl at that be taller than you. Not only weird but aggravating as hell.

Let’s begin with why I call her Tall Girl. That’s not hard for those of you who were paying attention…it’s because she’s tall…the other reason which I failed to mention is, because I can’t remember her name. I guess it’s because I’m distracted with her being tall. Strange to be able to look directly up someone’s nose while praying they don’t sneeze.

I’ve wondered in those moments, when I have nothing better to do, how she got so damn tall. Her mother isn’t, just your normal woman of average height, I call her Shy Lady, because she is certainly that. It had to have come from her father, never seen him, either dead or long gone. I’ve never asked because I don’t know how to begin the conversation, “hey is the reason you’re such a tall drink of water because pop was a bean pole?” Probably better to let that dog lay.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s a nice girl, and willing to help out if you need it. Just don’t stand beneath her, because if she sneezes, it’s going to be a snot shower.

44%. That’s the number that stays annoyingly lit on my DVR reminding me of the amount of programs that I’ve recorded. That’s a lot of crap saved (214 to be exact).

Oh, but it doesn’t end there. Why you ask? Okay. You didn’t ask, but let’s assume you did. My blog. My rules. Where were we? Oh right, my DVR. The reason it doesn’t end there is because some of the recordings have more than one program on them. For example: Ken Burns documentary of Mark Twain, 2 recordings, 4 hours of viewing time. 3 of Austin City Limits, (love that show, big fan of live music) another 3 hours there. Also, I recorded the entire first season of Mayans MC, over ten hours and I’ve yet to watch an episode. I’m choosing to look at that positively and say it’s because I have a life.

I’m my own worst enemy. Whenever I finish watching something and bring the percentage lower, I find something else to record and bring it right back up to…you guessed it, 44%.

I’m pretty sure my DVR along with BBC America are conspiring against me by recording every episode of the X-Files ever made. It’s not enough I can bring them up on demand, no, they’re recorded forcing me to delete them in order TO BRING the percentage back DOWN to 44%. Groan.

So here we are on a Sunday afternoon with nothing to do except once more engage in open warfare with my DVR. Where to begin… Zardoz, a 1974 Sean Connery sci-fi flick, made in the immediate aftermath of his time as James Bond? Maybe Joy, a heartwarming and uplifting film starring Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper. Seriously, how times have they starred in the same movie together? The Madness of King George. What? What? You’d understand that last part if you’d ever seen that movie. Or maybe I’ll just watch a football game. See? I knew if I kept talking long enough, I’d find a solution. Yeah, except the DVR will still be at 44%. (Sigh).