Hey everyone. It’s been awhile. I don’t normally post unless I have something to say, and this time do I ever. If you’ve read me before you’ll know that I mostly concentrate on humor. If you’re here for that, then sorry, today you’re in the wrong place. I’m going to talk about something serious and if it happened to me then you can bet your ass it can happen to you.

Very recently we all witnessed both Facebook and Twitter using tactics straight out of China’s playbook, censoring a story by the New York Post, because it was unfavorable to their candidate of choice in this election. All, no matter your political leanings should be outraged. As a writer and as a citizen in what is supposed to be a free country, I certainly was. So much so that when seeing an open tweet by Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, I felt the need to respond, saying simply, “Unsuspend the New York Post.” Within 20 minutes my account was suspended.

Yes, you heard me right.

20 minutes later. No word of warning. No reason why. Just a notification that my account was suspended. Worse there is no appeal. Not really. There’s no number you can call to speak with someone, only an email address where an unseen entity who you never see or speak with decides your fate. Even in court you get to confront your accuser, but not here.

You might ask how I know it was Dorsey and not just a coincidence. I mean why would a tech billionaire with nearly 5 million followers even notice, much less waste time on me? Good question. First the timing. Only 20 minutes after simply telling him to stop blocking a newspaper with the fourth largest subscription rate in the country, I’m blocked. Too close to be a simple coincidence. Next I went back through the last two weeks of tweets and there was absolutely nothing that could have been of offense to anyone. That leaves only one suspect and it’s not Colonel Mustard in the library with a knife. It is instead a tech oligarch who does not tolerate being called out on his obvious abuse of power.

It’s become crystal clear that Bond villains do exist, and they come in the form of Big Tech CEO’S. No one is beneath their notice and they have to be stopped. I’ve never been in favor of regulating industries, but these last few years, and what happened to me Tuesday, has completely changed my mind. Regulate the hell out of Big Tech. Confront them with the biggest anti-trust suit since Teddy Roosevelt went after Standard Oil. Whatever it takes, do something, their power is only growing, and one day soon, it may be too late.

Until next time. 🇺🇸

We all have our weird hang ups, my girlfriend, we’ll call her Poops Ahoy, is obsessed with you guessed it, pooping. I’ve never seen anyone more interested in toilet reports than her. She’s even told me that sitting in a toilet stall is her quiet place at work. Has even boasted how she’s been overflowing toilets since she was a little girl. That’s when you know you’ve been with someone a long time. When they don’t hesitate to reveal something like that. Lucky me.

But wait there’s more. No I don’t mean what’s coming out of her butt. I meant there’s more to be told. No not about her pooping, although I’m sure I’ll get around to that. I.mean more to the story…no not about her taking a dump…actually yeah, this kinda is, there’s just no way to do this without making it sound weird and dirty. Wish she were more like that in the bedroom. Weird and dirty I mean, sexually, not poop wise, although taking a dump in the bedroom is weird and very dirty. She even told me she doesn’t like to wipe. I told her she damn well will. She said she does but how do you test that? It’s nor like someone checking under your fingernails for dirt. Shakes head) Moving on. Poops Ahoy has made clear that when we finally build a house she’s going to drag me to every place toilets are sold in order to pick the exact right throne from which she will rule. A place where she can comfortably spend many happy hours cranking out a brown shark.

How?

Her search for the shithouse than can go the distance with her will begin with asking the unfortunate pooper salesman 100 questions, at a minimum. Then she plans to sit on each and every one in order to make sure it comfortably fits her heinie. In public. The way she sees it, it’s not like there are any fitting rooms. (Groan) Have I said what a lucky man I am? Yeah right. I wonder if there’s a place to trade in old girfriends for a newer model.

Anyhoo…Poops Ahoy reminds me of Al Bundy and his mission to build his own bathroom complete with a Ferguson toilet. I don’t know if those exist, to most of us a toilet’s a toilet, but not to Poops Ahoy. To her it has to be white and with the flush power of a jet engine. None of those Al Gore toilets for her. Like Al Bundy, she wants a bowl she can proudly show to visitors and say, “the flush will suck your arm right down.” Like one of those from high school. Why doesn’t she just go to one, find out the name of the brand and buy one? Probably because that would be too easy and that way she can’t take me along on her quest to find the Holy Grail of crappers. Apartment living suddenly doesn’t look so bad.

Until next time, remember to flush.

Do you want to save money? Sure we all do. I’m going to give you a tip how to do so right now. You can save a fortune on your water bill by bathing in the rain. That’s right, grab a bar of soap, some shampoo, don’t use any real poo because it only defeats the bathing process, don’t forget your rubber duckie and get yourself clean.

I got the idea this morning when it started raining cat’s and dogs here (not literally) and thought that if you’re going to be rained on anyway, then why not put it to use. Now I know what you’re thinking (no I don’t, I only know what I’m thinking and that’s what’s important), if you only bathe in the rain, how are you supposed to stay clean when it doesn’t? Answer: stink until it rains. If you don’t like that then find your own solution, I’m just telling you a way to save money.

Until next time, live long and stink. 😷

So let’s take time out from more crap about George Floyd (rolls eyes) and talk about something really important: movies. Or lack of good ones, at least none I’ve seen lately.

Last night in my on going war with my DVR, I watched a movie I should never have recorded, hell, it should have never been made, Peppermint starring Jennifer Garner. Phew what a stink burger.

I won’t bore you with the details, Garner plays a woman out for revenge when her family is murdered. How many times have we seen that story, it was like Death Wish only with a pair of aging boobs. The acting is bad, the corrupt cop working with the cartel is predictable and even Garner’s eacape at the end the viewer can see coming from a mile off. The only entertaining part of the movie was when a cop identified her as a thirty-five year old female, yeah right, in 1935 maybe.

So I’m recommending giving Peppermint a pass. If you want peppermint, stick with the candy, it will give your breath a more pleasant smell.

See you next time.

She’s back, the most dangerous woman of Chinese extraction alive! Madam Mao? No she’s dead. I’m talking about someone even more deadly, I’m talking about…LUCY LIU!

That’s right! After murdering her husband and sister in Chicago, taking over the Japanese underworld in Kill Bill, then seven years spent investigating murders with Angelina Jolie’s first ex-husband Sick Boy, so she could learn to be better at it, she’s back with a new series called wait for it…Why Women Kill.

See? She’s not even trying to hide it this time. It’s in the title, proof that some poor slob is going to be made into man kabobs. What’s worse is that a major network, CBS, is going to allow this to happen on their airwaves. Awful.

I urge everyone to this call CBS in protest before it’s two late and Lucy Liu’s blood thirst is quenched once again. Me I’ll be hiding somewhere see can’t find me.

Until next time.

I usually post something comedic when writing here but not today. This will be a very short posting.

It’s Good Friday.

On this day Jesus was crucified. On Sunday he rose. God bless you all. Happy Good Friday and have an even better Easter Sunday.

Right before the zombie fascination everyone was fixated on vampires. I have to say that vampires went experienced the biggest public relations reinvention since Mike Tyson went from biting ears to being considered a sweet broken down old man. These days Vampires are depicted as misunderstood souls whom you’ll run into inside a Starbucks ordering a cinnamon latte, with a spoon of vanilla and a sprinkling of fairy dust. And that’s exactly what vampires are these days, fairies.

When I was a kid vampires were scary. Watch Salems Lot for proof. Vampires were the badasses of the monster world, now they’re a bunch of sissies who can’t get a decent meal. That actually is understandable with all of the diseases that make up human beings today, it’s not hard to imagine a vampire going hungry. AIDS and HIV, herpes, not to mention diabetes. Imagine not only catching these things but doing it from a blood transfusion, and in the form of dinner. Vampires have got it tough.

And what happens if he (or she if you want to get picky) does get diabetes from drinking someone’s blood? Do they then have to take insuline shots? And why when they’re already supposed to be dead? Another question is, can vampires gain weight? Wouldn’t that be just a kick in the ass, to be dead and still get fat. Yeah another problem in being one, getting so fat that when you turn into a bat you’reso heavy you can’t get off the ground.

Other downsides are they don’t have sex, dont drink alcohol, nor eat meals. It must be the shits to order a rare steak and not be able to eat it but just drink the blood. Sounds like of a waste of money if you ask me. That’s something else. Where do vampires get the money to go to a resturant? Do they have jobs, and if so what kind, being only able to work at night? An entire species of the undead working as night watchmen maybe, having trouble seeing that. So in closing being a vampire doesn’t sound like all it’s cracked up to be. In fact it seems pretty sucky. They can’t go out in the day, their job prospects are pretty limited, they’re always worried about catching diseases through their only source of sustenance and it seems like they have no enjoyment whatsoever. They don’t eat, they don’t drink, they don’t have sex but they live forever. Maybe it just feels like forever.

Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu. Sorry, you’ll have to bear with me, I just discovered I really enjoy saying Lucy Liu. Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu. I could say that all day. 😁

Okay enough of that.

The reason for this posting is to warn you of the threat that is Lucy Liu. That being that you can never trust her. She’s like that Batman villian Two Face flipping a coin to see which side she’ll come down on, good or evil.

First she’s a detective working for Charles Townsend and then she takes all of the skills she learned and becomes an international assassin before taking over the Japanese underworld climaxing with a bloody sword fight with a woman who looks a lot like Uma Thurman after turning the House of Blue Leaves into a slaughterhouse. Who’d want to eat there after that?

Then in an obvious attempt to repair her public image she becomes a consulting detective with that Englishmen who used to be married to Angelina Jolie, Sick Boy in Trainspotting. Who’d want to be friends with a guy called Sick Boy? I sure wouldn’t want him near my food. Anyway back to Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu, saying it once is never enough. Okay as I was saying, the woman can’t be trusted. It’s only a matter of time before she again goes over to the dark side and perpetrates some terrible evil, maybe this time having to be stopped by Vin Diesel, the Rock or whomever is playing James Bond. Over the sake of humanity stop Lucy Liu now. Lucy Lucy, Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu…I just can’t say it once. 😁

Are you as sick of hearing about the Coronavirus as much as I am. Everyday nothing but wall to wall Corina. Well I have a an easy enough cure for it.

Ready?

Put down your remotes and snacks because here it is…

Stop drinking Corona beer.

There you go. Stop drinking that shitty light beer. Corona beer is the source of the disease, right?…don’t drink it anymore and you won’t be stuck inside with the wife (husband if you’re a woman) and the screaming kids. Switch to Miller, Coors or Heineken and thoughts of murder won’t enter your mind (no more than usual amyway).

Also…

Drinking other types of alcohol will expand your horizons. I know, you’re thinking it doesn’t matter what you drink, drunk is drunk, no. There are different kindd of drunk and whiskey drunk is so much more high quality than beer drunk. What about vodka or rum? Those work to and if you insist upon beer try another brand. You’ll still take the piss but be providing a service to the economy. It’s the perfect time, with people are self-quaranting there are fewer cars on the street so less chance of hitting something while driving drunk. So America hit the bars and the liquor stores, buy anything but Corona, you’ll be providing a service to the economy and helping to defeat the virus at the same time. God Bless America and your livers. Cheers. 🇺🇸🍺

It’s President’s Day, that day where federal employees don’t work (as if they do that any other day) and we celebrate past chief executives, even Obama.

From the earliest our President’s have been the face of our nation, from the founding with Washington, Adams, Jefferson and Madison, the second generation where Jackson ushered in the era of the west and the turbulent period of the Civil War under Lincoln. Our president’s have presided over good times such as the Gilded Age and the Coolidge Presidency, bad times (Obama did that and made nothing better), World Wars such as Presidents Wilson and Roosevelt and Truman, others have begun ambitious initiatives such as Kennedy and his plan to put a man on the moon which only occured after his death. President Ford presided over a nation recovering from the wounds of Vietnam and Watergate. President Reagan restored America’s pride and won the Cold War, George W. Bush stood at New York’s ground zero and reassured a shocked and angry nation after the 9/11 terror attacks, (Obama did nothing). Generals like Washington, Grant and Eisenhower became president following wars providing strong leadership while Anerica caught it’s breath. (Obama did nothing).

President’s have come from all walks of life. Some were wealthy planters. Some generals, as I mentioned only a moment before, many have been lawyers (too many for my taste) an actor, a billionaire businessman like our current president and before him a community organizer who did nothing for eight years.

We have a great country ladies and gentlemen. Being president is the world’s hardest job and despite what some would say, not one many of us want to do. So let’s make America great and keep America great and we can start by cutting each other some slack and knowing our history, one way you can do that is by appreciating the men who have held the job, the great ones, the good ones and even the mediocre or bad ones and Obama if your standards are low.

God Bless America! 🇺🇸

See you tomorrow.