Amore at the House of Wu

This is a true story based on events that never happened. The names and places have been changed to protect my hide but also make for a better story. Any resemblance to real people, alive or dead, is strictly intentional and done for the purposes of causing aggravation.

This is the true story (although not really) of how I met Poops Ahoy.

The time: Six years ago.

Location: Hong Kong”s red light district. (Ignoring that I’ve never been there.)

Address: Madam Wu’s House of Wu.

Now you might be wondering what I was doing in a sexually diseased place like Hong Kong’s red light district where you can catch anything translatable at a low low price.

Answer: I was making a FedEx delivery. (Never mind I’ve never worked for them).

Madame Wu’s was a fancy Portland Street brothel, heavy oak wooden door for an entrance and plush red carpets on the inside. Also lights kept so dim you could barely see past the end of your nose. Madam Wu was a notorious cheap skate who had a reputation for never spending a cent more than she had to.

That’s when I heard the sound of fingers hitting a keypad. Since no one had greeted me at the door I decided to follow the sound down to hall coming from an open door. It was a small office kept darker than the inside of your hat, the only light coming from a tiny lamp on a desk.

Behind it sat a pretty woman, beautiful Asian features, wearing a visor cap with a plastic green bill, the kind you see dealers wear in a back room poker game. Even better were the little round coke bottle glasses she wore that made her look like the granddaughter of Mr. Motto.

“Hello, I have a delivery for Madam Wu,” I said.

She made no response. Even as dark as it was I knew she could see me because her eyes looked as large as saucers through the lenses of her glasses.

Thinking she didn’t understand me I did what westerners always do when faced with a language barrier…raised my voice.

“I HAVE A DELIVERY FOR MADAM WU.”

“You don’t have to yell,” she said, “I’m from California.”

Oh course. Yeah. This wasn’t off to a good start at all. Trying to recover I asked her what she was doing in Hong Kong. She looked at me strangely snd for a second I thought she was going to say, “I could ask you the same question.” I’m thankful she didn’t, instead, “I’m in accounting. I go where the work is.” And we hit it off from there. That was over half a decade ago and we’re still going strong. That’s all you need to know.

Until next time, try and enjoy the daylight. 😎🚬